So you’ve written the best book that you can write. Your story is original, polished, and no matter what you do (short of dipping it in liquid gold), you feel you can’t possibly improve your manuscript in any way. Surely, you think, the publishers won’t be able to resist it!

But hold on a minute there, minion. Don’t submit to publishers just yet. You need a literary agent. There are some who bawk at this and pound their chests, screaming, “But you don’t NEED an agent! They’ll just take 15% of your money!” And to them I say phooey. An agent can open doors for you that you couldn’t even get close to before. An agent has contacts and knowledge that can make (and even improve) a sale. They give you a much-needed shoulder, a sounding board, their wisdom of contracts and publishing, their advice on what works and what doesn’t in writing, and more. It’s certainly not easy to get published once you have an agent, but it might just be a tad easier than without. And 15% of nothing is nothing, so what are you worried about?

So, what’s the first thing you should do? The answer is “DON’T contact an agent yet.” First you need to do your homework.

First off, what makes a reputable agent reputable? Well, good agents don’t charge upfront fees. At all. A good agent only gets any money after they’ve sold your stuff. Yes, that means they sign you with nothing but a hope and a prayer. But it also means that you have someone who really believes in your potential. Remember: money always flows to the author. A good agent has contacts in the publishing world, established clients (yes, there are plenty of fledging agents out there that I’m sure are terrific people, but I want someone with the numbers to back him up), and a good understanding of the market.

Where do you find such a wonderful person? All around you. Great agents aren’t just in New York anymore (but the majority are). I found Agent Query to be enormously helpful. Many people turn to the Writer’s Market and Jeff Herman’s Guide with excellent results. The key is to search for agents that are interested in your genre–ones that have a solid track record–and make a list. Preferably a long list.

When you have a list that you’re happy with, put them in order of who you’d like to represent you. You’ll be querying a whole bunch at the same time, but it helps to have a handy check-off list for when those rejection letters come in (and they will…trust me). Got your well-researched list? Okay, time to query.

What are you doing?! Close that e-mail box right this minute, mister!! First, you need to find out how to write a query letter. Then you need to write it, polish it, show it to your writer friends, sob on it, reconstruct it, and research whether the agents you’re querying prefer e-queries or snail mail queries. I won’t get into how to write a query letter in this post–we’ll save that for another day. But suffice it to say that you should use plain, white paper, Times New (or Courier, if you must), and never, ever start with “Dear Bill”. Always use “Dear Mr. Bill”. Got it? Good. It’s querying time.

WAIT!!! Double check everything.

Okay, now it’s time to query.

You’ll get rejected. It’ll hurt. You may cry. You may not. But the key is to remain professional at all times. Don’t respond and ask why they didn’t like it. Don’t beg. If you must respond, a simple “thank you for taking a look” is enough. And whatever you do, don’t threaten, insult, or give them a “you’ll be sorry” line. Agents are not evil. They just know what they like. And what they don’t like.

They may all say no (and in that case it’s time to either redo your manuscript or move on to the next). If you’re lucky, one or two or eight may offer representation. If it’s one (and you did your homework initially) then this should be a no-brainer. If it’s more than one…well, then it comes down to a gut feeling. Talk on the phone, feel it out. And then get on your knees and thank the Universe or what-have-you, because getting more than one offer doesn’t happen to everyone.

How do you get an agent? Be kind. Be professional. Be yourself. And follow their guidelines. Don’t give them a reason to reject you. And (first and foremost) DO YOUR HOMEWORK.

Time for some good news/bad news, minions. Bad news first: BEYOND THE LOOKING GLASS is being shelved for a good long time, maybe forever. My fabulous agent and I agree that a little book called THE LOOKING GLASS WARS might make me look like a wannabe and make for a tough sale, so *sob* no Wonderland for me right now. It’s okay–I’ll get over it. (Actually, I’m almost over it already–it’s just a bummer)

Good news: I have the perfect song to head up the soundtrack to DEVON’S PLAYGROUND! Okay, so maybe this isn’t good news for you, but the right music really helps the words flow for me. Plus…I just love My Chemical Romance.

More good news: DEVON’S PLAYGROUND is going fabulously and, with any luck, we’ll go on submission with it soon. (SQUEE!) But if that’s ever going to happen, I need to work. (I promise agent finding tips are coming soon!)

My right eyeball hurts right now–chalk it up to being Monday, I suppose. Still…weird.

Anyhoo, what’s going on in the life of your soon-to-be-favorite (I hope) author? Well, after a wonderful weekend visit with my sister and her family, I’m settling down to work on the chapter outline for DEVON’S PLAYGROUND. Earlier this weekend, after an incredible read of some of my Critique Partner’s new stuff (she’s brilliant…seriously), my CP read DP (oooh…it rhymes!) and gave me her happy (well, creeped out…which is good) blessing. So now I’m pretty positive that I know what I’m doing, and that my fabulous agent will love it.

Vlad has busied himself with his own blog, of sorts. So if you’re looking to get to know him better and want to truly understand how the lack of O Positive in the fridge can make a guy angsty, then check out Vlad’s Notebook. (And while you’re wandering around my site, don’t forget to ask me for free Minion Bling and enter the Bat to School contest!)

Later this week (for all you hopeful unagented writers out there) we’ll go over some basics. Namely, how to get a reputable (and perhaps fabulous) agent.

But today, me and my throbbing eyeball are going to sit down with Stephen and Devon, and work on that chapter outline.

This is huge, minions. Just HUGE. Shelley Kay of Webcrafters Design has tweaked and turned and molded me a bee-yoo-tee-ful new website! It’s even better than I’d hoped it would be, and chock full of good stuff that everyone will want to see (The garlic cracks me up! I don’t know why…it just does.). Plus, my first contest is finally upon us!!!

So, like good little minions, you run off and tell everyone you know. But don’t forget in your excitement to check out my newly revamped (Ha! Does that ever get old?) site and to enter the ‘Bat to School’ contest!

(And yes, feel free to copy and paste this everywhere you can think of)

Mopey birthday to me…mopey birthday to me…

What? I’m goth. You expected it to be happy?

1. If you haven’t read the first chapter of EIGHTH GRADE BITES, go do that now.

2. If you haven’t friended me on MySpace, go do that now too.

3. If you haven’t noticed that banned books week is coming up (beginning Sept 23rd), then start making a list now of the banned books you’ll be reading. (Yay, banned books!)

4. If you haven’t requested Minion Bling from me (trust me, you’ll like it, and yes, it’s free), request it now.

5. If you haven’t realized that tomorrow is my birthday and that I will be expecting lavish praise from the Minion Horde, make a note now.

and 6. If you haven’t noticed how much I appreciate each and every one of you…then I’m not doing my job. You Minions rawk!

By th’ way, minions, dasn’t forget that today be talk like a buccanneer tide!

Okay, minions, Auntie Heather’s brain is on the verge of exploding, so let’s back off that word count for a minor bit. Now that I know how DEVON’S PLAYGROUND ends (and it’s a doozy!), I’m going to polish this first half until it shines before continuing forward. And considering that I’ve got 20,239 words total right now…I’m feeling pretty good about it.

Last night, completely unexpected, Vlad tapped me on the shoulder and whispered in my ear that he’d like to start talking about everything that happened to him in the tenth grade (translation for the newest minions: my favorite vampy protag is hinting I should write the third book in The Chronicles of Vladimir Tod, TENTH GRADE BLEEDS). I told him that now wasn’t the best time, but he sulked (man, there is nothing worse than a sulking vampire), so I told him that I’ll listen, but he’ll have to wait until after the winter holidays for me to write any of it down, as after I finish DEVON’S PLAYGROUND, I have plans to return to my work on BEYOND THE LOOKING GLASS.

So, the corner of his mouth rose in a smirk, revealing one perfect white fang, and I caved. Big time. What he had to tell me was so important that I got out of bed this morning and hurried to make a note of it.

Darn it Vlad, leave me alone so I can finish telling Stephen and Devon’s story.

And before you say anything, minions, I’m well aware that I’m arguing with somebody that I invented.

You are sooooo glad you’re not at my house right now. Just trust me on this. I’ve jumped head-first into author hermitism. And worse, it’s that grouchy, driven, more-evil-than-usual type of hermitism.

But it hasn’t stopped me from having my doubts. Even though I’m damn near to the 50% finished point for DEVON’S PLAYGROUND, last night I just wanted to lay on the couch and think about what a crappy writer I am. I didn’t (my family has this wonderfully obnoxious way of not letting me say such things about myself), but I was resigned to get in some woe-is-me time this morning. That is, until I read this post from Diana Peterfreund.

The best part? The part I needed to hear?
Suck it up and finish the damn book.

I wrote it on a purple Post-It. I’m looking at it right now. Thanks, Diana. Sometimes a little kick is enough. (Plus, it’s funny, cuz I write about vampires and telling me to suck it up…well, it’s just FUNNY. Erm, not that DP is about vampires at all, but still)

In other news, one of your fellow minions (Ewoh!) has corrupted his entire family for the sake of EIGHTH GRADE BITES, me, and Vlad. You see, minions? All I’m asking is that you drag everyone you know into the Minion Horde. Is that too much to ask? I don’t think so.

Now, Ewoh is a very handsome man, and his wife is so pretty, but just look how completely adorable his lil girls are…how could they not be mini-minions?? Thanks, Ewoh. Onward, the Minion Horde!