I’m a mellow person. I very much believe in a “you do you” mentality. I have my ways, my beliefs, and you have yours. It’s all good. If you think “Valentine’s Day” is da bomb, then have at it! But keep your heart-shaped boxes away from me. I detest “Valentine’s Day”, and so I turn to my blog to explain why to you, Minions, as the rest of the world cannot seem to comprehend why I have such a problem with this “holiday”.

1. It starts with a lie.
Way back when, pagan Romans celebrated the feast of Lupercalia from February 13th to 15th. The men sacrificed a goat and a dog, then whipped women with the hides of the animals they had just slain (wooooo! party!). Emperor Claudius II executed two men (both named Valentine) on February 14th (different years, though) in the 3rd century A.D. Their martyrdom was honored by the Catholic Church with the celebration of St. Valentine’s Day. And then later on, Pope Gelasius I screwed things up in the 5th century by combining St. Valentine’s Day with Lupercalia to get rid of the pagan rituals. It wasn’t until 1913 that Hallmark Cards began mass producing “valentines” and the month of February started looking like Cupid threw up all over everything. So the truth is, the holiday you know as “Valentine’s Day” was never really a holiday to begin with. The idea of buying things to celebrate romance wasn’t even born until 1913, and it was done in order to boost greeting card sales.

2. It means nothing.
I see people treat one another like absolute crap 364 days of the year, but on February 14th, they’re nice to one another – and that somehow magically means that they are in love. That’s not love, Minions. Love is being nice to one another every day. And when you’re not nice, you should know when to apologize. Show your loved ones respect, give them the gift of communication, and don’t think that you have to slap down $80 for a bouquet of roses to say “I love you”. (which brings me to my next complaint)

3. As the Beatles said, money can’t buy you love.
You don’t have to buy my books for me to love you, Minions. You simply have to be yourselves and I will love you forever. Nor does my husband have to buy me chocolates, nor does my son have to send me flowers. Those things are nice, yes, but they shouldn’t be expected. I see people getting together to compare their “Valentine’s” gifts (always women too – what is up with that?!) and it always leaves me wondering how fulfilling a gift can be if it’s expected. “If he/she/it doesn’t buy me roses on a certain day, it means I am unworthy of affection!” – how silly is that?? You are worthy of affection every day, because you are a good person and deserving of love. Chocolates and flowers aren’t love, Minions. They are things. Like toilet paper and power tools.

4. Something people tend to forget…
It’s okay to be single. There is nothing in the world wrong with being on your own. And I abhor a holiday that makes people feel like they’re some kind of freak because they don’t have a “valentine”. That’s why I fully support Anti-Valentine’s parties! Get together with friends, celebrate how awesome you are. You don’t need a boyfriend or girlfriend to feel like you are special. Because you are amazing every day of the year. So hold a party, invite friends, create some Anti-Valentines with witty sayings about “stupid Cupid”, and remember that friends are more important than having someone to make out with.

There. I feel better now.