There is a voice inside my head–one that I haven’t heard speak up in a very long time. It’s a voice that comes from The Dark Place inside of me. When i first heard it, I was very young–maybe six or seven years old. It chimed in after a boy on the playground had told me that I was ugly. The voice cooed, “He’s right, you know. You ARE ugly. Everybody sees how ugly you are, and this boy was the only one brave enough to say it out loud.”
Over the years, that voice has spoken to me many times. It is the voice of self-doubt, the voice of low self esteem. It’s often tricked me into believing that its voice was the voice of reality. For years after that boy on the playground told me I was ugly, i believed him. How many years? Oh, about twenty.
that’s a long time to believe a lie told to you by a voice in your head.
But I’m not alone. I know that other people hear that nasty little whisper of a voice too–the one that says that no one wants to be your friend, that calls you a freak, that says that maybe life’s not worth living anymore. It comforts me to know that I’m not alone, but the other day, I heard the voice again, after a very long silence.
Only this time, it wasn’t talking to me.
This time, I heard the voice speaking to a Minion. I heard the voice telling the Minion that cutting will help them relieve their pain, and that suicide is a viable option to solve all of their problems. In short, I heard the voice lie.
The voice had lied to me many times in the past, and I had believed every single word that it had uttered. I believed I was ugly, stupid, a total loser, friendless, undeserving of love, and yes, undeserving of life. It put me in The Dark Place, pulled me down deep into it, so that I couldn’t hear any voice of reason, no matter how loudly they shouted. I could only hear that voice.
It was awful to feel that way, like no one would ever love me and why should they? It was awful to feel so very alone, and so lost. I felt like no one could help me, and there was no way out. And eventually, I didn’t want anyone to help me. I just wanted the pain to stop.
I can’t tell you about the moment that I realized that I wanted to go on living, Minions. Mostly because there wasn’t a single moment. There were many. And for a long time, it was a struggle between being in The Dark Place and glimpsing the sun. I do know that a big part of leaving my depression and low self esteem behind was embracing my quirkiness, and realizing that the way that I am doesn’t make me unlovable–it just makes me who I am. And I’m extremely proud of the person I’ve become. If I had listened to that voice, I wouldn’t have written CoVT, wouldn’t have all of my Minions, wouldn’t have an amazing family, and really cool friends. And now whenever that voice starts whispering in my ear, I poke it solidly in the eye until it shuts its stupid lil trap, because nobody tells me how to feel or what to think but ME. No stupid lil controlling voice has any say over how I run my life, or what I feel. Only me. Because it’s MY life.
And the same goes for you, Minions.
If you ever hear that voice, I want you to say (out loud, or in your mind, if you’d like), “LALALALALA, I can’t hear you! Auntie Heather says I’m awesome!”
And if you ever feel yourself slipping down into The Dark Place, I want you to reach out. To me, to a friend, to a teacher, to your parents, to a suicide prevention hot line like 1-800-SUICIDE, and tell someone what you’re feeling. There’s no shame in it. I’d bet that the vast majority of us have been there, have felt so alone. But you’re not alone anymore. Now you’re part of the Minion Horde.
And you’ll never be alone again.
Tags: Auntie Loves You
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i mean i love u auntie heather but u just never got my emails
hey! she is just busy cuz she is writing 2 books at once soo I prefer her not to blog so often and to have her books sooner! hahaha! and you should write to her again cuz she (well her assistant) have wrote back to me!
well g2g bye love u auntie heather
heyyy everyone
I miss talking in heree
thats nice to know and there are those of us who wish to seek help . . .
@Julia
Hi !! Haven’t talk to you in a while! What’s up?
Forever in Eternal darkness,
THE CHRIS
heyyy everyone i just got an emo bf
yeah mine are very important so yeahhh im writing a book and im using the elysian code and everything but she hasnt responded back
anyone on???
i bet tht i can beat heather at writing vampire books i wrote alot of them there really good!!!
I love you Auntie Heather!I promise I’ll try my best not to fall too deep into the Dark Place!
thank u Auntie Heather u give me inspiration to stay out of the dark place and to keep on writing my books
-your number1 minion
p.s. please email me back
This was both inspiring and made me laugh thank-you Auntie Heather
hey vee i love heather 2 shes the best
i already fell too deep in the dark place
@liza hartsock
No mather what you can always get out of that dark place! There is always a light at the end of every tunnel,I promise you!
The only problem is you have to go looking for it, I was down that tunnel and now I’m on my way out!
You can do it!!
Auntie, I know what you mean. Me and my best friend, were WIKAS’. The “popular I’m-better-than you-girls” don’t like that. bullying is one of the worst things to happen to me,aside from that horrible dark place. but my bite-me-you-little-b!%ch3$ wika friend became the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you, Willow!
I Love This!! I LOVE The Chronicles of Vladimir Tod + can’t wait for First Kill
Do you have yahoo?
Thanks for this blog post Antie Heather. It helped alot.
@liza i totaly agree with u
@liza hartsock
i meant about the i luv auntie heather part
@kiera
completely agree with u:)
dear auntie, i get made fun of alot at skool. last year i was at my lowest. the darkness was eating away. everything in my life was painted in black. (the bad kind of blackness, not the good kind) but light shined through in the form of friends. i still have scars, but they r bearly noticeable now. and my life is now better than ever. i still get bullied alot like all the other kids who dress a little or alot different. but it doesnt get to me as much any more. i no longer find comfort in the form of a razor or knife but in the arms of the guy that will always stand up for me and in the smiles of my friends that will never let me fall again.
wow girl with skelton jacket yeah theres like no goth at our school soo im way differnt then anyone at my school everyone makes fun of me i barley have any friends like 90% of the people are poupularty people so im not liked at all the only people who like me is my teachers cause im sooo quiet and my life is a pain espically the people tht hate me and nobody likes me i got on this and u guys are like me goth or emo there is like a good way to keep your self up or down im always down but i dont let bad things happen in my life i try not to but if someone bulling me i say get out of my way please if tht doesnt work if they hurt me (punch, kick ect.) i laugh they ask me wats a matter with me i say pain doesnt hurt me its my life i have dealt with it my hole life and this crap i will not take if any of u need to talk to me im here 4 u we all are dont let anything get 2 you when u go through hard times and laugh while u can
yeah i laugh but then it hurts me wen i get home i lay on my bed and cry my eyes out but im in the dark place always im always hurting it hurts me after a while but then i wish i was died most oof the time
i have been there, i might still be, but i wont hurt my self…… bad
@isabel
Im really sorry 
(yes i am canadian!) im starting summer school in a few day and i soo mad 
Anyways how are you and what’s new!? :p
OMGOMG i’m soo soorry its been really crazy here!
I just saw your message from like June
I have some good news i stopped cutting its been like 4 months i think..
Anyways things have been crazy here, i just finished school a few day ago and yeserday was Canada Day
@Julia
You see now you are a living proff that everybody can 
)
lol
Now I have to say Im sorry I didn’t saw your reply
Wow that awesome that you stopped cutting
(Yea I knew you were Canadian you told snow and Me once
Not much I have this week off school and I have a new bike
@isabel flor
today was my last day of summer school (YAA no more history) and then its summer, but i start again in september 
i hope you fine it 
YOU GOT A NEW BIKE!!! haha i havent had a bike in a long time
it sucks that your in school
I really hope your having a great school year
and i wanted to tell you about this book, im not sure if you can find it but its really good and when i read it i though of all the minions its called willow and its about a girl who starts cutting after her parents die, anyways its really good and i finished it in like 1 day cause i could put it down
@Julia
now I have to make this week a good one 
In my high school they think we are in colleage and send us thousand of homework and teach us colleage stuff like a subject “Microeconomics” they taught us “Lagrange Multipliers” that at least here thoose are teach on high level colleage!! I’m god at them though… hehe! 
I’ll put it on my list 
Yea I’ve been wanting one since the one i had when I was ten broke and here I am 6 years later happy for my new bike
Cool now you have 1 month of freedom!! yay!!! haha!!
Yea I have to wait till january to have my long holidays that last 2 and a half months
Yea but tis year have been pretty good
No here we don’t have books in english but I’m gnna travel to US in October and I have a HUGE list of books
@Isabel Flor
im not going anywhere this summer but i might go to italy in winter or in the summer soo im excited! 
you have to wait until January for a long holiday!!!:o That suckss, we have a holiday that time too but its only 2 weeks cause then in march we get a week off
I hope you have fun in the US
and you must put that book on your list it is a must read!! Promisee
@Julia
but you have more holidays that us i think …
:O lol
I know!! But in ocyober I have another week
Thanks:D and ww Italy!! That must be really cool I love italy, nt that I’ve been there, but I’ve seen pictures
Yea I’ll read it
hey I g2g talk 2 u later
btw do you have FB?? So I send you a friends request
@isabel Flor
but theres only one problem 
my mom has my password and the email is her’s and i have my brothers on it, so if they find out that im adding somone not from canada im going to get in trouble and then they might find out about my cutting and it just wouldnt end well 
im sorrryyyy 
but i really would have like to add you on fb 
I do have fb and i would love to add you,
@Julia
So they don’t know about that! :O Yea that’a a big problem :\
Oh don’t worry
Buy we can talk here anytime
@Isabel Flor
im scared to tell them, if you knew my family you would know why, everything have to be perfect and i hate it 
Ya they dont know
Does your family know?
and sorry for the last replay i was out with friends and then family and its been busy here
@Julia
I’m replying a lil late too 
Oh I know what you are talking about, Yea a friend have parents that make her be so perfect, she has to have “A” in everything in school or she get grounded :\
I don’t cut… whe I’m on the Dark Place I do everything to get out, most of the time I read, but a lot the whole day without stopping not even for food… I’m never been deep down on the dark place… But anyone have never seen me depress and will never, I don’t like people looking at me when I’m vulnerable so I just put an “I’m pissed” face and everybody thinks I’m mad or I say I’m tired and go to sleep… Mom would send me to the Psicologist and like I’m the most like introvertive in my Family and like I’m always on my own and they just notice what happens with my bro and sisters…you know The other day in Marketing class we had to make interviews to people and ask them what they think about me and like all of them mention that I always look pissed and I had to explain why and I was explaining that I put that face to hide my feelings and I couldn’t say anything cuz like I put my guard down and tears started rising in my eyes but I couldn’t help it but cry but I finished my speech anyway…
Don’t worry
Ps: If you don’t cut anymore just don’t tell them they will never find out …(dejavu) … but if you start cutting again (God help us No) I think they would find out cus if you lose a lot of blood you would have to go to the hospital… But If you deff stoped for ever and ever like in a year or so tell them so you get rid of thoose thoughts…
Oh…oh my God. Auntie, this made me cry.To see that somebody else felt the way I’m feeling now, to see the thoughts that go through my head every day up on that blog, and knowing that finally someone,somewhere actually cares about me? Little insignificant old me?That brought me to tears.Thank you, Auntie. Even though we’ve never met, thank you.For giving me back my self esteem.For giving me the sense that somewhere, even if it is on the internet,I can be loved and accepted. For giving me somewhere to belong and telling me that and I am never alone.When I say I love you Auntie Heather, I mean it.
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hey nice to see some familliar names….. hi
This made me cry, then it made me laugh. The dark place has consumed me many times. And, I was too scared to talk to people. I was always desiring to step forward to the sun. But everytime I was in it too long I was swallowed by the night again. Even my parents seemed like ‘They wouldnt understand’, but, reading this. I feel like theres some hope left on staying in the sun.
When I was younger, I’d think “I could go out and get hit by a car and my parents wouldn’t care!” when I was mad at my parents. Of course, I never did that and I now know not to.
are you going to be at dragon*con 2012? if so that would be soooooooooo epic!!!!
i havent talked in this blog in 4 ever…………well, glad 2 see that people still write in the dark place. u guys helped me alot and i thank you 4 tht. if any1 ever needs help just ask me. my # is (909)909-1757